Picking up the peaces
From page to page, I started to get a little bit better with thinking about what I want, still be a barista, is a simple dream, Be a barista on Iceland sounded much more exotic, and much more attracting. Different city, different language, unknown land, full country to explore, that I once only knew as a peace of color on a map, and knew nothing about it.
So I started to ask.
After enough luck, I got all the information I needed conclusion was very simple:
Yes I can go. It was a internal journey allready, I was thinking me? Moving to different country? wow. But what if…
I don’t know if I could live like this, is it for me ? What If no one will like me, no one will accept me, what if I will not make it finacialy, what If I will have no friends, and I will be alone, what if what if what if Bla bla bla…
Some thoughts are like bla bla bla to me, I don’t listen to them much anymore, how I recognize them is they don’t have directions they are loops, and the next step is coming back to insecurity, and hesatation. What if is the beggining and end.
What if ——> something will happen ——-> What if ———-> Something will happen
I didin’t understood it back then, and the only answer for: What do you really want do do
Something different.
So I did.
It was peaces of my life. Little stories, that I was keep repeating, rejection from early childhood, failiers in attempts of becoming something else than dissipointment. I was making a lot of mistakes, and no one was finding interesting what I was saying because it was not perfect, or the structure was not clear, I notice another loop.of words.
It was, I was, I was, it was, I was, it was I notice another loop of words… Slow down. SLOW DOWN !
Hold on I don’t want something different to be talking about past I can’t change it, only thing that can change, is my perception of it. If I just change it a little bit, into future not past, what can happen ?
It wil l be peaces of my life. Little stories that will keep repeat themeself, acceptence since early landing, succeses in attempts of becoming something else than I was. I will make a lot of mistakes, and …
“And” can set a new direction. Or it can loop again when I was writing with presence and awarness, I could choose, direction I want to follow.
So I didin’t fix myself in Poland, I took all the peaces of myself, where I never felt full, and tried to figure out how to be a part of the world, with feeling not full.
But feeling not full made me seek. That is great, so analyzing my brain in the night, and barista by the day.
Oh let me tell you, stories that were born from that, are much more interesting to me, rather than no one liked me, no one liked me bla bla bla. But I started to like myself. I had to be brave enough to get into airplane with CV in my backpack, and get myself a job, why do I feel like talking about it is shallow ?
What is behind the word?
Why brave seems shallow ?
Seems like another page will explain because I’m loosing wind of the idea.
