The first page
El Libro de mi vida
09.05.2022 ( Pon)
Purple bardzo dziękuje za wszystko co spotyka mnie w moim życiu, przepraszam, że nie zawsze słucham, bardzo kocham was wszystkich i siebie.
Book of my life
09.05.2022 (Mon)
Purple thank you very much for everything that happens to me in my life, I’m sorry, that I don’t always listen, love you all and myself.
I remember the hope I felt, when I wrote this down, pretty much from 2020-2022 I was writing from a place that were very dark, sad, and felt meaningless, nothing that I wanted to share with people, quite opposite actually, I wanted to keep it hidden as much as possible, and it was a moment, some late deceber evening I started to write, but that is another story, this is a story about a first page of a notebook I’ve kept and is still with me. As all the story, all the people I’ve met.
How much can I say about 1 peace of paper? I was coming back to it a lot, so same goes for stories, interesting how now it all feels, just like a something that I’ve read, not a hell I’ve been through. As I was trying to sound sirous, even used Spanish senctence to sound better, there was a lot of hope in it and wishing, it was more pleasent expirience to keep repeat rather than, no one liked me, no one wanted to talk to me.
Well happens, thanks to it I started to talk to myself !
Thank you to all the people who rejected me, I’m so greatfull !
Same story - viewed different
So wait I can change my story, conclusion comes, If I can change my story I can change my life. But how, was a mystery, so I´ve decided to dive in into that thought. I really liked how it sounded, and made me feel. So if stories can make me feel different, I can choose, what kind of stories I want to attract. So with all of the I wish, I hope… I was slowly creating fundamends for that to come. Not in a law of attraction just visualise and you get it, but in a taking actions into directions, instead of why WHY WHY !!!
I didin´t liked it, how can I change that?
I finished another page with “So I commit my thinking for my best wishes and greatfullness”
That is a start. Maybe not the best in the world, but it was a beggining of going into unknown direction that felt much better than hell, that I didin’t see a way out for major part of my life. Beeing a victim is just a part of my past, not identity anymore this is essencial. But If I don’t care about myself, who else will?
I don’t remember timeframes, and all the events in order, I remeber them by importance that they have to me. And there was this moment, when I wanted to change jobs, but somehowe I didin’t knew what I wanted to do, as a barista, I was tired of it back then so I decided to find a job as a bartender. Failed, became a barback. I didin’t enjoyed it. People who worked there were mean I almost don’t remember it, because there was not much valubale things in there for me. I remember how it ended it lead to a single thought:
I want to be a Barsita again.
Thought grew.
Abroad.
Question
What do you want do want to do?
So much pressure behind few words that repeat themselves in one sentece.
How come you don’t know, why not, why don’t you do something with your life, you are so smart, but lazy, you should find something like a real job. It was keep coming and coming, you are a looser, failer, wierdo, no one likes you, my mother told me to invite you, I didin’t wanted you here… bla bla bla. BLA BLA BLA xD, there was a lot of that.
Just like a memory of broken bone, that brings all the pain back. I think it was broken soul, that was to afraid, to belive again, that can do something.
But I picked myself into peaces, and aventually.
Aborad = Iceland
