Upgrading Myself

As a very shy and withdrawn child, I wasn’t good at social skills.
My face would turn red, my voice would break, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
I remember how hard it was to stay quiet and feel like people didn’t like me.
The truth was, I didn’t like myself—so how could anyone else?

Escaping into games and virtual worlds during adolescence was the only comfort I could find.
I couldn’t see a way out.
In fact, I didn’t even know there could be a way out.
I wish I had something to chase—passion, hobbies, interests—anything.
But I felt miserable.
And I didn’t know why.

Level Up Like a Sim

It was a sad moment in my life.
But one day, while playing The Sims, something weirdly clicked.
There was a way to improve your charisma: just stand your Sim in front of a mirror until they hit level 10.
It seemed so easy—just a few days in their world, and they’d be confident.

I knew real life doesn’t work like that.
But I thought to myself:
What do I have to lose?
If there’s no other way out, maybe I can just treat myself like a Sim—
someone who upgrades slowly, day by day.

I even tried speaking like a Sim, ridiculous as it sounds.
I figured if I keep talking, maybe I’ll “level up.”
So I started taking my dog out in the fields when I was around 15 or 16.
While he ran, I was trying to break the blockade that had formed in my throat since childhood.
It felt horrible.
It felt pointless.
I felt stupid for even trying.
But I did it anyway.

Change Comes Slowly

I didn’t know exactly what I was chasing.
Maybe it was belonging.
Maybe it was friendship.
Maybe I just wanted to not feel broken.

I kept trying—even when I didn’t notice any change.
But slowly, something shifted.
Just like learning guitar—at first, your fingers don’t get it.
But after years of repetition, your body remembers.
Connections form.
And one day, you realize… huh.
It’s actually getting better.

Finding My First Job

Finding a first job is scary.
Especially when no one recommends you or helps you out.

My first job was a disaster.
I worked in a book warehouse.
I moved like a zombie between shelves with a trolley, picking out books to send to stores.

It sounded okay on paper.
Books smelled nice.
My friend was working there too.
We were both 19, just graduated, and it was summer.

But the reality?

My friend had different shifts.
I barely saw him.
Everyone else acted like strangers speaking their own language.
I didn’t feel like I belonged.
And the routine crushed me—wake up at 6:00, ride the bus to a warehouse by 8:00, and work till 5:00.

The Breaking Point

The foreman didn’t like our results.
He told us to try harder.
I had one 15-minute break all day.

I started breaking down.
I couldn’t get out of bed.
I stopped cleaning up after myself.
I felt like I was serving a sentence I signed myself into.

I finally went to the foreman and asked if I had to come in tomorrow.
He said:

“If you want, we can even sign your termination today.”

Without thinking, I said yes.
And suddenly… I felt free.

Feeling young again

I was 19 again.
I had the whole summer ahead of me.
In October, I’d start part-time studies in a new city.

To live is not to die.

That vacation helped me more than the job ever could have.
The shame of not working pushed me into it.
But the truth is—if your parents can support you, and they’re not throwing you out—
there’s nothing wrong with taking the help.

That was the first upgrade That I’ve noticed

Upgrading Myself