Think to much, and loose all the fun

To be authenthic…

It was always hard for me to start, because, I like to be honest, but it is hard because I never felt, like I would be enough at the beggining of writing, playing, working, whatever I would do I had fear in me, which was making me stop from taking action. Thanks to people who encoureged me through my life, and people who sticked that I call my friends they were always supportive, and assured me that I’m enough.

Friendship is incredible gift in this life, they will accept you no matter what you say or do, and I’ve expirenced so much rejection from people, that I don’t call friends that I had this blocade, in me, that I never wanted to expirience recjetion ever again, so I closed my self from the world, and stoped sharing, because hearing that I’m stupid, crazy, or whatever, just because I shared a part of myself that was authenthic, was very painfull.

You allready said it, you are repating yourself, you are boring, you are not interesting.

Who would like to hear that kind of stuff? No one I guess. No one I know at least, at moment that I offer something this is the level I’m in and I cannot go beyond this. Like a walls that someone closed me in,

You cannot write, You cannot draw, you cannot play … Spiting their pity in my soul, I felt so small. with their words surrounding me like clouds.

Let’s be honest, can you ? If I had courage to ask them ok. Can you? Can you write ? show me.

And then it appears so very often that, they can’t, When I shared one of the most important thing that I wrote in my life, I don’t hear feedback on the idea, I got feedback in” Is that suppouse to be and “r” ? A letter, r, I got feedback on my hand writing, where 1 letter, was a little bit harder to read, for them, but I look at their hand writing I could decode few letters, without any context so I thought to myself. Time to walk away, If I share a part of my world with you, and you say that you don’t like the way I look, and have no interest in what I have to say, than why would I in the world, try to get any feedback from you?

Putting me into thinking box, where I’m wierdo, to them I was getting stuck on 1 page, trying to make it perfect, so I didin’t went far.

Rejecting people

I expirenced so much rejection in my life, that I started to notice, that people didin’t rejected me as a person, but rejecting what I was offering, and that is ok, I was offering fear, unsecuritiy, sorrow, but not because what I was trying to achive anything, that was what I was carrying inside, and people didin’t wanted it. From time to time, I was meeting a strong person, with backpack of expiriences so rich, that they understood and saw in me this, and still, took the time effort, and concentration to listen to me, and give me feedback over what I shared.

You can’t offer emphaty If you don’t have it.

So as I was sharing more with friends, they were as well, and I was growing, slowly, with pain, but growing.

If you don’t have it you can never give it, so I don’t blame you for the way you living.

-The Luminieers

Somoene told me don’t qoute outher people, s’ay something from yourself. Well, I can qoute other people, If I say that it is their words, don’t tell me how to live I should respond I guess, but I didn’t have courage in me, so I took it to my self, and closed in my world with the words, I’ve had.

Be authentic whit what you have. So my English still needs improvement, I can quiclky ask AI to make my english correct in sense of gramma, but you do understand what I want to say here right ?

So this is the level I’m in, that is what I offer this is how I speak, so 'I’m authenthic, If I were to come back to every “mistake” I would make I would never improve.

You said that.

Yes, because It is important for me, If I’m boring, or not enoguh for you, no one force you to listen to me, neither read, what I want to share. I’m ok with not beeing enough for someone, who rejects authentisty, because I’m honest in my lack of skills, but what I say is from my heart, not from my mind.

I can give what I have at least it is real - me. Even if it is not enough for you… I cannot go beyond my level, so don’t push me to go beyond.

If someone says, follow the structure, and learn, than break it. I would suggest do it, let’s see what you have to share, I bet If it would come from your heart it will be beautyfull, but jugment comes from mind, and all the boxes that other people putted on.

Let’s be Authenthinc, let’s be honest, and the world will have a little bit more of that.

Accepting people

The moment I started to accept myself as I am, jugment of others dissapeard, If it appears again, I see, that I jugde myself, and I can see beauty in everyone. I forgot how to be me, because of all the hate I recived for beeing myself. Let people be, as they are, and they will share with you stories, that are way out of this world - Personal.

When you accept people for who they are, you can get personal with others. Put on a mask, and you will recive some other mask. I came to a concluscion once, I was afraid to be honest. But what If I will be as honest as I can ?

What If I would only have 50 words in english, and still would want to be friend with someone, and just because I can’t express whole gratefullness with words, I would do it with my actions ?

Thank you. Respect. You helped me. You make me happy.

It is enough.

I much more preffer this, rather than beautyfull words describing how you don’t like me for who I’m.

Be a proffesor, with a degree, but if you use your knowlagde to insult others, you are stupid.

Playing a simple christmast song on a chrismast eve is much more beautyfull, than perfectly played Chopin etiude, played with pride.