Behind the walls

How about we spice the things a little bit

Change the story that was told, it get’s a little bit boring for me.

I thoguht maybe I will learn Croatian and Icelandic, with my friends, because situation was favorable.

What - hvað - Što

Chance - Líkur - Šansa

Well I didin’t learn to speak the language, but I learend to speak some words, so I started to think what do the words really mean. Because if I don’t understand few words, the sentence doesn’t make sence

If I would say in english

I would like a chance.

Then I would need to be able to say for what I would like to have a chance for, and translators online, don’t have the melody of Icelandinc well, and because of that no matter how much words I would learn, I would need to learn, inside jokes, connected to that, so I would start with

Hello

Thank you

I’m greatfull

You are great

To start slowly dive in into the language, but the etymology of the words would be to long for me to make a full journey on this. Sometimes, Going east, or west, is just a little bit to much to spare time for, so I had to choose, to learn more english, to be able to communicate with everyone, and those little flavors, that I can put, with words of kindes, and friendships are like little bit of honey, or sugar, when something becoming to heavy to take.

And some pages were just filled in notebook, to have a little bit of fun, and they were led to writing down different observations.

Some words and sentences are beeing repated all the time, the most used one, myself included, I was repateing the same words, the same senteces.

Senteces create stories, and stories I was telling myself were flying around me like all of the time, and I was trapped in a narrative that I didin’t saw any way out, and because of that, I started to think I was telling to one of my friends words that were keep going, so I just wrote them down. I can’t draw yet, so it was suppose to be a funny drawing, how she was listening, and those words were flying around her

It was a real break through for me

I’m a barista , I’m angry

I’m a barsita I’m sad

I’m a barista I’ve had enough

I’m a barista

I’m a barista

I’m a barista

Some thoughts that are inside of us.

Today I’ve been thinking to myself, who am I.

The biggest suprise was that I started with

“I am a barista”

Who am I ?

If I would not work as a barista, I would not be a barista or would I ?

Once a barista, always a barista.

Why there were so much pride in me connected to a fact that I’m a barista.

I’m more than just a barista. I’m more than just a barista barista barista …..

Those words are just a part of my story. It is just

**** **** **** **** **** **** ****

Letters I gave to much meaning

♩♩♩♩ ♩♩♩♩ ♩♩♩♩ ♩♩♩♩ ♩♩♩♩ ♩♩♩♩

It is just like repating the same notes, with emotional baggage behind it, If I just don’t give it identity like Barista, Swearing, the emotional baggage of it, is anger. I used say I’m barista across the years with different emotional bagge behind it so many times.

I’m a barista - Said with healthy pride, that I putted a lot of work to be able to say that

I’m a barista - Said with unhealthy pride that I deserve respect for that

I’m a barista - Said with joy that this is my life

I’m a barista - Said with just a statement, I’m having a role of barista at this place, in this time, but what more am I to it ?

I’m a human, and I’m more than just my role. I have a funcion to fulfill in that particiluar place, but what is taking place is I make identification with my role to much, so that is why I’m putting myself in a box, that I just

I’m hitting myself in head with the walls, every square every letter is blocking me from enjoying my life, and that was the goal wasn’t it ? So it feels like stones that are just to heavy to carry, like I just entered some kind of tunel, and I don’t know how to get out.

Now that I look at something that was happening inside of me long time ago, I just look at this with a combination of curiosity, and little scary feeling, of how I tried to find a way out, from the state I putted myself in. Or I allowed others to put me there, whatever the reason was, It was neccesary for me, to understand things that made me think in a different way.

Break yoursefl against my stones

I could go on with **** for a very long time, but there is not much more to understand in this concept of the facy that I’m angry and not satisfied with the fact of what is behind my anger.

Behind ebery word there is a story of how was it created what are the origins of every word, every cell of my body was screaming out of the desperation, that I just didin’t knew how to shout it all out, it was just scary, might be that drawing can mean a lot as well, I didin’t pracitsed visual representation, but after writing in notebooks, I feel, like each page is like a canvas that just tells a story, of my life, and the every box was trying to find a way out, and behind that hard work, that lead me to say

“I’m done”

I started to let go the identification with barista, and started to repeat I’m done more and more, until I made it to feel calmer, and almost like I could breath again.

I’m more than just a barista

I soaked with coffee world so much that I started to think, feel in a way that this is how the world looks like.

And let me tell you, I’m done like really done, like really really done.

I’m lucky to not work with people who want to grow in the same direction as I do, it is really a gift, because maybe I can start thinking more like them, they are happy, and I’m not, so clearly, it is easy to see, maybe I should change not others.

I’m way better than this, I’m more than this.

This is time to stop with this stupid joke, It is not funny anymore, nor productive for me, I want to be happy like my friends, not exousted and frustrated like me, they don’t repaet I’m a barista all the time, maybe I should hang out with them more .

The moment I’ve said “I’m done”

Is a moment of a great relaese

Thing about is is there not much more to understand in all of this, except of fact that **** usualy in this term might be interpreted as anger.

**** And I can give this anger color of Red

I’m done - I might give it color of Orange

What now - I might give it a color of yellow, gold, more calmer - Thought

Allright So bouncing myself from wall to wall, was beeing trapped

And coming back to writng after some time, can lead to more understanding and peace.

So not having much more to say, except of swearing might be difficult, but in the same time no one was giving me a way out, no one was having answers for me so I had to find them on my own.

The more I wrote, the more it was making sence to me, in my own head, I started to create patterns, that were allowing me to see that I don’t have to identify myself with my thoughts so much.

Thoughts they just pass through my head, I can belive in them, write them down, laugh at them, cry because of them, whatever will come During a day, there are going to be certain things that gonna happen.

The really important thing is that there might be always interesting things to learn.

Something baluable if you choose to look for it. and dare enough to look for something better, something in it.

There have been many times when I was not fully present nor interested in participation in a day.

Thing about it for me is winning your own freedom.

To take the chains of belives, that are not really the ones I like the taste of. I was living very often, The “same” Life as others, shared work places, faiths, friends groups, and it was more lighter in approach and easier for me to feel more engaged. It was not because of a mindset find a job, you love, and you will not work a day in your life.

It was a little hack for life I was using. It was taking ownership of a situations I was finding myself in. Taking over my work situation that we were was allowing me to feel free.

The moment someone was telling me what to do was invoking mixed emotions, in me.

I didin’t wanted to be told what to do.

It was almost equal for me that someone had control over me, and I finded a way to bypass it. Instead of responidng with of course.

When someone was giving me commend.

Hey cut this paper and put it here - With no respect, treating me like a slave to command

My respond was

I will cut this paper and put it here

That was the secret

I was stating that I’ll do it, with giving myself this task to do, might feel without meaning if you don’t give it any meaning.

When someone wanted to be importand and make me do it, I was saying I can do it in my own way,

Meaning for me is very important I was feeling like taking orders from others, was taking away my power from me, they had the position of my boss, but they did not showed me respect, so I was showing respect to mysel that I will not allow to be treated in a way, that I’m someones property.

It was alomstlike someone was trying to put me into work, I was allready doing the work.

That was a situation where I was no longer tired of